Accepting Help

I finally did it.

Last week I had a follow-up doctor appointment unrelated to anxiety and depression, but I knew that would be a good time to talk about it. I psyched myself up for an entire month, which was when I was visiting my boyfriend. I told myself I was going to do it and not back down like I had a thousand times before.

And I did it. When I got home, I talked about how I thought I had anxiety and depression and that I was suffering from it for several years. My doctor was great. He referred me to a psychiatrist and said that I would be referred to a psychologist once I had that appointment. There was no funny business; just basically “Ok here’s where you need to go”.

Afterwards I headed to the psychiatrist’s office, my mind reeling. My brain was not going to talk me out of it. I was going and that was that. When I got to the office, the receptionist was really nice and gave me all the documents I needed to fill out. She said I could bring them back when I came in for my first appointment.

The rest of the day I was filled with a new hope. I felt legitimately good that day, and I filled out my paperwork and stored it somewhere safe. I was finally going to get the care I needed, and that I should I have gotten ages ago.

That seems to be how it goes. There’s such a stigma around admitting you need help, especially if it’s mental help. I am guilty of it, and most of my family is guilty of it. In my case, I didn’t want to burden anyone with my issues, so I tried dealing with it myself. The negative effects of me doing that has shown in my relationships and in the way I view myself. I’m not good enough, I’m awkward, I’m worthless, etc.

I didn’t have a direction. I tried daily journaling several times and I always failed, or I forgot and just never got back to it. No one was holding me accountable. I put some loved ones under a lot of stress because I refused to seek help. Everything costs money, so I tossed therapy and medication out the window and focused on food, gas, photography, other hobbies, outings, and other things. But I can’t do that anymore. I need to prioritize the help I’ll be getting from professionals and work harder. That means promoting my photography more and looking for another job. Hopefully, going to my appointments and knowing they’re there to help will be the nudge I need in looking for another job. I’m also hoping this will help with my misophonia, too.

In future updates, once I start going to appointments, I’ll summarize what went on and how I felt by the end. This will also help me remember my appointments more if I’m going to update this blog after each one. I tend to be very forgetful.

I will end with a journal entry:

Discuss one thing that happened today that made you happy

My boyfriend and I are currently watching The Defenders together. By together, I mean we sit down in our rooms, set up the show on our devices, and hit play at the same time because we live five hours away from each other. But hey, it’s still a fun time. So we were watching an episode today, and we got to a long-awaited part in the episode where the heroes finally meet. It was during a fight scene, of course, and it was totally awesome!

Ending with a journal entry leaves me with a sense of calm. Until next time.

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