As most of you probably know if you read my last post, I have started exercising. I’d like to give an update on that and feelings of anxiety I have never felt before.
It’s been about a week now since I started exercising. I’ve been consistent, but took a rest day on Monday. But for the first week, I was feeling great. I was going to bed early, my misophonia wasn’t too bad, and I was getting up early and feeling refreshed and energized. I was eating better and just generally feeling good about myself. I wasn’t feeling anxious before going to bed and had high hopes that by me exercising, I was in control of my anxiety for once.
But then, toward the end of the week, anxiety came and kicked down the door. The first night wasn’t too bad. But it was on the second night when things got difficult.
It was about 10:30pm and I was very tired, and got into bed to get some sleep. Then, I started feeling my chest tighten. It was hard to breathe. I twisted. I turned. My eyes were watery and deep breathing wasn’t helping. Out of frustration, I got out of bed and got something to eat. I was hungry anyway and figured a bowl of soup would do the trick. I was sorely mistaken.
Not only did my anxiety get worse, but I tried listening to some calming music that made me even more frustrated because I wasn’t calming down. I was getting more riled up, and ended up lashing out at a friend. I said I was sorry soon after, and luckily, he is very understanding. I still felt miserable. I had some chamomille tea, and that helped a great deal. But it was already 2am and there was no way I was getting up early to exercise. I figured I’d do it later, but I knew my schedule was going to get screwed up. I went back to bed and it took me forever to fall asleep, and my sleep was restless.
That was the worst time I had experienced anxiety. I questioned why, and after some analyzing, I came up with an explanation.
College classes are starting soon for me, and I didn’t get into all the classes I needed. I am enrolled in three classes, but on the wait list for two. For the wait listed classes, my rank went down for both, even though I was first. One of those classes is online and I don’t know what to do in order to get in an online class I’m on the wait list for. I am unsure if I’ll be able to get in those classes. The uncertainty, I believe, has been killing me since I registered, which was January 11th. I believe my anxiety was just bottled up and burst out when it got too big. As well as that, there were other personal things I dealt with that gave me major anxiety as well, and the night I broke were those personal things getting out of hand (in my mind, at least).
My misophonia was bad yesterday, too. My dad triggered me because I had just gotten back from exercising and didn’t have my over the ear headphones on. I got out of there as fast as possible and felt terrible, despite feeling good ten seconds ago when I got back from exercising (I went on a run). I was also disappointed that my misophonia acted up when a week ago, it wasn’t. Not as much, anyway. I figured with the stress I was feeling due to classes that haven’t even started yet, that heightened my misophonia. I felt like a failure.
But, when I sat down to write this, I knew that despite what anxiety makes me think (I’m a failure, I’ll never live a good life, I can’t stay positive forever, etc.), I’m stronger. I will always be stronger. I learned that anxiety can come and go. And when it goes, it’s great. It’s fantastic, and I feel amazing. But when it comes back, it can come back punching and kicking, just like it did those two nights. I had never experienced anxiety like I did those two nights, perhaps because it was virtually gone when I first started exercising. I felt like a new person. When it came back, it was terrible because I hadn’t realized how much I had been dealing with on a day-to-day basis before I started exercising. The constant voices: Oh my gosh, why did you do that? You’re such an idiot. You think this is going to help? You’re so stupid. You’ll never get in to your classes and you’re not going to graduate on time. Your misophonia is only going to get worse. Why are you even trying? Just quit school. How are you going to handle yourself in the workplace if you can barely handle yourself in class? You’re a terrible friend, too. Just look at that text you sent, he hates you now and doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore but just isn’t admitting it. Your misophonia is getting worse with your boyfriend too, and the way you’re treating him because of it is so terrible. Spare him from your disgusting self. You’re absolutely hideous.
All of that and more.
But you know what? If those two nights of bad anxiety taught me anything, it taught me that I can get through it. My anxiety is wrong, and no matter how many times it threatens to kick me down and keep me there, I will always stand back up.
See you next week. <3