*knock knock* Hey, it’s me. It’s been…awhile.
Life really likes to take things and make them, well, not so great.
I will be to the point with you, if anyone is still here. I am depressed, anxious, stressed, and about to break.
It is hard to be positive. In fact, I haven’t been trying as hard as I used to. This made me feel like a failure and this blog just…faded. As with most things I start, they eventually fade because I lose interest. Nothing mattered.
My life isn’t terrible. In fact, I’m pretty fortunate–aka privileged–compared to a lot of people.
I am financially ok (for the most part–I have people who are willing to help if needed).
I have the best boyfriend in the world and have the privilege to know his wonderful family.
I have family that is doing their best for me.
I am developing my photography skills and have a recurring, paying client. In fact, I have a few sessions scheduled for me later in December and at some point next year
I am involved in my church.
My friends are just overall great and I’ve gotten to know new people and clicked with them pretty quickly.
And yet I feel as though I will lose it. Everything negative feels like it’s my fault. I have felt in the past few years as though no one cares and nothing I do matters. It’s hard to fall asleep and hard to get out of bed. This year’s predominant feeling is loneliness, coupled with anger and frustration. My misophonia flares and my reactions are harder to control. I am irritated by the slightest inconvenience and find it difficult to contain my anger/frustration. I feel invalidated; like my efforts in combating these emotions and pursuing my interests mean nothing to people in my life. Positivity is just so hard to maintain.
I have since taken a deep breath (several, in fact) and evaluated myself and these feelings. These are, first and foremost, valid. Perhaps illogical, but valid; they are having an impact on my life, and they are real, raw emotions.
Second, doing this on my own is not an option anymore. It never should have been. I should have gotten help, but was too stubborn and too anxious to make that phone call. Too many “what ifs”.
I will be visiting my boyfriend soon, so this page may be inactive again. When I have some alone time, and if I feel like writing an update, I will. But when I get back from visiting him, I will seek medication and therapy. I strongly believe I have depression and anxiety, and since those are treatable, I will treat those. I want to live the rest of my life with my boyfriend. But I don’t want him to live with the mess I am right now. I want him to live the me that has sought help, gotten it, and is actively working to better herself everyday. I will do this because I love him; and I will do this because I need to love myself.
I haven’t decided yet, but I may post about my therapy/medication journey once I start it. It could be a good way to keep track of things, and hopefully to encourage others to seek help, too. As long as this site is up and running, I will try to update when I can. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m still going to try. And to carry on. That’s all we can do sometimes.
I haven’t given up. Neither should you. See you in the next update.