Seeking help – A January update

A lot has happened in the course of the month that I feel it’s time for an update.

I don’t remember if I said so in the last update, but I went to see my doctor some time this month, and I talked about how I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression. He set me up straight away with a psychiatrist and I went to make an appointment.

Here’s where it get’s crazy. At least, it was for me. When I went back for my scheduled appointment, I turned in my paperwork and waited about ten minutes, looking forward to things happening, and I was called back up to the receptionist counter to be told I had a past due bill…from 2018. I was in utter shock, not at the bill (though it was a pretty heft amount) or the fact I had one because I did see someone in 2018, but at the fact I was never notified back then that I had to pay a bill. Make sense?

So 2018 me was thinking she was fine, going about her business thinking she never had any bills to pay or anything like that, when in reality, I did. And was only notified at that appointment. Frustrated, I went home and paid the bill with the person in charge over the phone, and was instructed to file a claim. And that my next visits are going to be just a little under $200 unless I file, and that’s IF the claim is accepted. I also had to redo all my paperwork. But, frustrated and depressed and anxious, I didn’t file a claim until today. My new appointment.

I’ll spare you most of the details, but this was new territory for me and my anxious brain couldn’t handle all of it all at once like that. Bills, insurance, claims, medication; all of that is out of my comfort zone and to be handed all of that at once was very overwhelming. My newfound excitement at getting help was gone. I was completely burned out and almost cancelled my new appointment. I was going to do things myself again.

But I talked to my boyfriend about it and he was very encouraging. I filled out my paperwork last night and have been praying about it. 10:30am today was my new appointment, and I went, paid for my visit, got a prescription for medication, and was sent on my way. It should hopefully be ready today. When I got home, I filed a claim with my insurance and took care of other insurance related things, and feel much better.

I also got to talk to my mom over the phone today. It was the first time I had a real conversation with her, and she was nothing but supportive. We had a short conversation since she understood my anxiety with phone calls, as well as my misophonia. I felt as though she really understood me, even though we hadn’t really connected with each other until then. That’s the funny thing about moms, I think. They just…get you. And of course, they love you. Doesn’t matter where you both are in your lives currently. It truly was nice to hear her voice for the first time as an adult.

Once I get my medication and start taking it, it should take a little while before it takes effect. I was given the lowest dose for now. I’ll update the blog once I’ve had time to analyze its effect on my anxiety, depression, and misophonia. The medication is supposed to reduce irritation and improve mental focus. Since irritation and anger play a huge part of my daily battle with misophonia, we’ll see how this helps, if at all. I am hopeful, because if this medication works, driving will be much easier. It’s already become a little less difficult, but I’m still finding myself freaking out when a car does something dangerous near me, or when a pedestrian suddenly walks out in front of my car when there’s a crosswalk just a few feet down. Or any myriad of dangerous things. I sometimes get lost in my head thinking about how horribly that could have turned out, and find myself not paying attention to what’s happening on the road. I’m hoping I’ll quit getting lost in my head like that while on this medication.

I also hope it will help with my work as a photographer, as well as job seeking in general. I get really tired while working as a photographer only a few hours in. I get anxious about my photos, if they’re good enough, if I’m good enough. All this mental energy being used physically drains me. I also get very anxious when it comes to interviews, hence why job seeking has been so difficult. I’m a nervous wreck and my mind goes blank while being stared at and judged by high profile people. But I need a second source of income if I want to continue this. What I make right now is not enough. I don’t make enough for medication and therapy together right now, so I hope I get a second job soon.

I’ve been tracking my mood and I notice that I have a lot more names for moods related to negative feelings. For example, I have Rad, Good, and Ok for general positive feelings. I have Meh, Eh, Bad, Sad, Awful, and Physical Pain for negative feelings. I’ve had a total of 77 positive feelings in my days recently, and 69 negative feelings in total. So while I have generally more positive feelings, my average daily moods have overall been negative. I’ve also never had a Rad day, and have only had a few Good days. The majority of the positive feelings are Ok days. I’m hoping I’ll have a lot more Rad and Good days when I’m on this medication. Here’s a visual:

Seriously, this app–Daylio–is AMAZING. It’s been really insightful and helps keep me in tune with how I’m feeling. My psychiatrist even said as much, which was validating.

I think I’ve rambled enough for now. I’ll end with a journal entry:

What songs help lift your spirits when you’re feeling down?

A lot of these change, but here’s a list of 5 songs and 1 playlist that have lifted my spirits recently. Maybe you’ll like some of these too. If you have misophonia, just tread with caution; I don’t know everyone’s triggers, but I know songs can be a trigger to some.

  1. There is a God by Lee Ann Womack
  2. 1, 2, 3, 4 by Plain White T’s
  3. I Choose You by Ryann Darling
  4. I See the Light from Tangled
  5. Hey Pretty Girl by Kip Moore

Playlist: Instrumental Work Music on Spotify

See you all next time.

Bonus: My new haircut

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