Last week was not my week.
When my last post had gone up, it was during a time when school was stressing me out to no end. The week was also chock-full of triggers, which made it even worse.
I had a few tests I had to study for last week, tests that mostly required me to write essays. That meant studying all the new things we had learned and showing that we learned something. Even more stressful was the fact that I had to study in my room–kind of uncomfortable–during the day, which is when I’m the least productive. My room is my only safe space away from triggers at home, so I study and do homework in there one hundred percent of the time. Otherwise I’d use the kitchen table, which is way more comfortable than sitting Indian style on my bed for several hours. But I have to do what I have to do. I had read somewhere that studying an hour before bed helps you remember what you studied the next day. Whether or not that’s true, I did that, and I got “A”s on all my tests, even a perfect 100%. Go figure.
So, while getting good grades was all well and good, when I was home (during the weekend) I decided to walk into the kitchen without my headphones. I usually wear headphones whenever I have to go out or whenever I have to talk to certain people in my family. So my dad was in the kitchen and if I could remember what he said to me, I’d state it here, but all I could hear was that horrible, sharp “s” sound. I just about lost it. Why oh why didn’t I wear my headphones and play my music before going into the kitchen? I hurried back to my room and resisted the urge to scream, to punch something (or myself), to stick my finger in my ear and try to rip out the sound playing over and over again in my head. I had a horrible feeling in my chest, like I couldn’t breathe very well. Anxiety, maybe? Rage? Whatever it was, that day was not my day after getting triggered like that.
I didn’t want my week to end badly. Fortunately, a dear friend of mine showing up to a Halloween party did the trick. My boyfriend and I decided to go to a friend’s Halloween party on Saturday, October 29. I was flip-flopping between wanting to go, and then not wanting to go, to eventually ending up going to the party (whew, what a handful of words). I decided to invite another one of my friends I haven’t seen in a long time, even though we chat from time to time on Facebook. This friend–whom I will refer to as L–showed up and, when he did, I was extremely happy. I was already glad I decided to go, and I was having fun but when he showed up I couldn’t stop smiling. I was having more fun than I already was, probably because it had been so long.
After I left the party and said goodbye to my boyfriend and other people that were there, I was in the car with L because I asked him to take me home, and, maybe it was because it was the first time in a long time since I’d seen him, but I was trying to tune out any “s” sounds he made and it…worked. Sort of. When he was talking, I was able to focus on what he was saying. I could still hear the “s” sounds of course, but they weren’t as triggering as they usually were. When he dropped me off and as I was getting ready for bed, I couldn’t help but smile at that little victory. Whether he knew it or not, conversing with him made my entire week. An ongoing conversation. That’s something that’s hard to come by for a misophonia sufferer. I felt like sharing this because what I thought was going to be a terrible week didn’t happen. It goes to show that little victories like this make this whole struggle worth it. My boyfriend deserves some credit, too. I mean, he puts up with most of the times I get triggered and he’s still dating me. I don’t know if there could be another guy as amazing as that, but, what I do know is that L and my boyfriend were definitely my sparks of light at the end of the week. I encourage my readers to look for your spark(s) of light, those little victories, whether that be in a person, your pet, or even a hobby.
See you next week!